April 12th (NapoWrimo)

Eye contact


I am fixated on this table

Tracing my fingers over the etched in marks of boredom

I stare at my laptop,

Reading the same headline for the 5th time

I gaze outside,

seeing the sun disappear

I look everywhere,

But you



When do you realize you that you have a crush? How do you realize it? Is it by the butterflies making a ruckus in your stomach? Or is it the “holy shit he’s so cute and his personality is amazing” thoughts that run through your head? Or is it you realizing after a while that you smile bigger and wider when you’re hanging out with him?

It’s safe to say that I’ve had a few crushes, starting from when I was 14. But I don’t know if I’d say the crushes I had before I was 16 “real crushes” because the guys I liked didn’t have me smiling much wider or feeling happier just by talking to them. I couldn’t connect them much on any level either. They didn’t like the same music I did, or have any similar hobbies, or have the same kind of humour.

But I realized, that as I got older, it was easier to rule out guys that I knew would end up being fruitless crushes that would end up going nowhere (I said easier, doesn’t mean I stopped crushing on guys who I knew I wouldn’t amount to anything with). I focused my attention on guys that I knew could have a possibility of working out. The guys I had crushes on were a bit more awkward, sometimes reserved, liked indie music, and had this type of personality that just made me smile more. It didn’t hurt that they laughed at my lame ass jokes (doesn’t matter whether they felt obligated to or not LOL)

But I also realized that any crush would be fruitless unless I stopped being such a wimp and asked for their number or asked them to hang out with me (I learned this the hard way :c )

It takes a few crushes on guys that you look back and would cringe at to find ones that you would be too eager to ask to be your boyfriend.

P.S. I’m turning into a pile of mush aren’t I?