April 26th (NapoWrimo)

​Hills and Valleys


Rollercoasters are fun

My emotions are also a rollercoaster,

With valleys stretching for ages

And hills that are steep and gone in the blink of an eye.

They’re not fun though.


It’s a New Year’s Appreciation Post!

(This is really just a more detailed and appreciative version of my post “So yea…2016”)

This year has been pretty shit hasn’t it? Many wonderful and influential people died, Donald Trump aka the big orange cheeto got elected as president, and Mike Pence (where are his eyebrows?) came with him as a package deal.

Although this year was pretty bad, we got through it, and things will get better. I am now going to take a moment and appreciate all the wonderful people who have entered my life, and all the wonderful opportunities that have come my way this year.


After the new years, I went back to school, took 3 pretty cool courses, and 1 that was pretty hellish.

But before school started, I learned to bake cheesecakes, and not to brag lol, but they were delicious!


Tacos (top), Vietnamese sub (left), Fools Gold and Mascapone grilled cheese (right)

I went to a food truck festival with one of my best friends Alex. and although he’s a total pain in the ass kind of a nuisance, he’s still pretty fucking cool. Tried a Fools Gold grilled (cheese) sandwich, and it really wasn’t as good as Elvis Presley hyped it up to be.

Another one of my best friends, Stefanie (she is the mom friend and I adore her immensely), turned 20 years old! Her, Alex and I went to The Rogue to celebrate.

I wrote my first article for SFU’s The Peak newspaper!!! Being published has always been a dream of mine, (no matter how small the publication) and IT HAPPENED!!




why is alex dang’s face so large?

I asked the arts editor if I could write an article on spoken word poetry, and she gave me the go ahead. I wrote about four slam poets whose words I adore.

At the time of publication, this was one of the coolest things that I have ever done, but I’ve had the opportunity to do cooler things!


Sarah Kay, you’re a bae

Speaking of spoken word poetry…I got the opportunity to attend Sarah Kay’s poetry recital. I went with Stefanie, and it was a super magical night! I have never heard someone recite poetry with that much passion and brilliance. Not a single poem left me with dry eyes. I TEARED UP. Before we left, we each wrote her a poem. I did not bring any money to buy her book. #regret

I tried my hand at making crème brulée. SUCCESS!

I watched Brooklyn 3 times, cried more than 3 times, and hoped Saorise Ronan would win for Best Actress. She didn’t. I was displeased.


I discovered new bands: Angus & Julia Stone and Oh Wonder

Went to Burrard Skytrain Station, took a mediocre photo of cherry blossoms. But then I colour corrected it on Instagram, and voila! It looks gorgeous!


lol this girl’s timing was perfect

I started working out twice/three times a week, and I felt much less icky. I had more energy, and it also helped my grades. Too bad I started work again in the summer and stopped going. Goodbye gains…

I watched a short film called “Blue Sushi” and it helped me figure out my gender identitiy. For the first time in my life, I found a term to label the way I was feeling. I am “genderqueer”, which is under the non-binary umbrella. I honestly cannot thank this short film enough.


Became addicted to How I Met Your Mother.

AFTER SIX YEARS OF TRYING TO CONVINCE MY MOTHER, SHE FINALLY LET ME DYE MY HAIR PURPLE (well…dip dye. We compromised). I used Manic Panic it was shit for a while before switching to Arctic Fox it wasn’t shit.


Finished watching How I Met Your Mother.


look at this hipster b&w pic I took

A close friend Vlad treated Alex and I to lunch at a $4.95 restaurant/pub. Thanks fam.

Stefanie, Alex and I went to an acoustic night at the Café Deux Soleil café on Commercial. Stefanie finally introduced me to another one of my best friends, Anna (I also appreciate/adore her immensely. She is a poetry goddess). I still remember her “back off, he’s mine” comment about her partner (to be fair, I had just met Anna, so excuse me for the creepiness). I found it super cute and funny.

Aaaaaand because I don’t believe in new friend awkwardness, I invited Anna to the CJSF 90.1 FM volunteer appreciation party. We bonded over pizza and a loud punk band. We also drank quite a bit. One more beer and the both of us would have been drunk.


great music, but played far too loud for that little room

I also sold away my summer to Playland (again). For four months, I forgot the meaning of “free time”.


Now, I don’t quite remember when André and I met, but I believe it was in June? But anyways, André is THE saltiest person I know, my pasta buddy, and the only person who can still be hungry after eating an entire footlong at Subway.

I tried. I tried really hard to continue hosting a radio show while I worked and went to school, but alas, my efforts lasted like 3 weeks.

Went downtown with Vlad again. He took a tryhard photo of me leaning against an art covered pole.

While at Playland, I figured out I was bisexual (crushed on one of the supervisors). And after a couple months, I realized that I’m more pansexual (there are many non-ninary cuties out there)

Bought baking supplies in preparation to bake my own birthday cake.



Went out with a few of my closest friends: Alex, Stefanie, Vlad, Julien (I can’t believe we’ve known each other for 7 years. Go us!), Serena (you’re so cool), and Bryan. We went to eat dinner at a fancy af restaurant (Flying Pig) in Gastown, for dessert we ate the birthday cake I made (#prideandjoy), and we went to karaoke (let’s promise to never sing “Hey Jude” again).


birthday shenanigans

Received a penny board from Vlad, learned to ride it, and I actually seemed cool.

Went to Khatsalano! with a bunch of my friends and we forgot to check out the local bands playing because we were having too much fun playing giant jenga, having wrestling matches dressed in food sumo suits, and trying to find the best food trucks.

Went to the Panic! At The Disco and Weezer concert with Vlad, and I sang along so loud I almost lost my voice.


Panic! At The Disco (left) and Weezer (right)

To end July, I attended the annual Vancouver Pride Parade!! This was an especially important year because I came out! I unexpectedly got to march in it as a part of CJSF with my friends Serena, Stefanie and Kenneth.


Started Blog Every Day in August, and I post as many blog posts as I wanted to. Out of 30 days, I posted 15 (maybe?) posts.

I went to Playland as a guest with Alex, was very fun, I ate a lot of food, and I kept criticising the employee at the Merry-go-round because I worked there and he wasnt doing his job correctly!

Stefanie and I went to Stanley Park! We travelled around 2/3 of the seawall. I skated around on my penny board while she carried my backpack and walked (the real MVP, tbh).


here is a candid shot of Stefanie looking wistfully into the distance

Went to another concert, this time it was cheap as heck at Playland! I went with Julien to see one of my ALL TIME favourite bands Simple Plan (12 year old me would have been so happy). Despite having not listened to them in years, I knew almost every word from every song.

Since I had to work with two people (Kaya & Tanner) for 2 weeks straight, I became friends with them: Kaya, you’re hella adorable and cool and I should talk to you more.

Lol Tanner I bother you on almost a daily basis (you must h8 me by now). I think you’re pretty cool and the greatest memelord ever.


I started school again. Ew.

I wrote an album review (Side-B – Carly Rae Jepsen [check it out]) for The Peak.

It was André’s 20th birthday! Welcome to the senior home my friend!

It was also Annabel’s birthday! She probably did a lot of online shopping.

Went to Anton’s Pasta with a whole bunch of friends to celebrate birthdays.

I wrote a poem (“It was a Wednesday”) and I’m glad I wrote it, no matter how painful the process of writing it was.


School happened. Midterms happened.

I got depressed. It was a pretty dark time. But I’m tremendously thankful to all my friends for helping me get through it. I don’t know where I’d be without you guys.

Dressed up as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween. Feminism FTW!

I had the opportunity to see As It Is (one of my FAVE pop punk bands) perform live and I interviewed the lead singer Patty Walters!!! This was a DREAM come true!


As It Is being perfect and shit


Did not buy reduced Halloween candy. That was a mistake.

Went to Anton’s Pasta with André a couple of times (this is why I need to go work out again).

Wrote a few papers for school. Started prepping for final exams.


Final exams happened. They went well. (Thank you so so much Anna for helping me study for my HSCI final. Without your sacrifice, I would have come out of that exam room probably crying)

Sent in my invoice to The Peak to get paaaaaaiiiiid. Only wrote 2 articles, so only got paid $40 (still ca-ching! worthy IMO).

Finished the proposal for a LGBTQ+ radio show that I want to start producing and hosting next term. Super excited!

Winter break! Went to see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them with friends, and I cried twice during it (Anna gave me a “but why??” face for it).

Hung out with my parents and gave them Christmas presents, went out with parents to run errands a lot. How many times did I even stay home???

NYE plans fell through. Fuck you snow.

Lastly, I am going to Denny’s and a pub tomorrow with a bunch of friends.

AANNND THAT’S IT FOR MY APPRECIATION POST / YEAR IN REVIEW! Yo, if you read through this entire thing, give yourself a pat on the back.

Thank you to people on the internet who read my blog posts, you rock!

If there are any friends who I forgot to mention in this post, you also rock!

Thanks for sticking with me,



So yea…2016

As most people would probably agree with me, 2016 was fucking disappointing.

Although I wouldn’t say this year did nothing to help me grow as a person, it was still really a little shit.

Let us start off with the good things yea? Yea.

I turned 20.

I came out as pansexual and non-binary and I marched in the Pride Parade for the first time!!!

I’ve met people who I now consider to be a few of my best friends. I’m incredibly grateful to have such amazing people in my life.

I dyed my hair purple, then I cut it all off.

This year I began writing for my university’s newspaper “The Peak”. Learning to hone my non-academic writing skills has been fun, and having this blog has helped me grow in this aspect. So far, I have written only 4 articles for “The Peak”, and I hope to write at least one article every 2 weeks next term.

Over the break, I am working on the proposal for my new radio show. It will focus on discussing LGBTQ+ issues in the news, mental health problems in the LGBTQ+ community, and terminology to describe gender and sexuality.

This October, I got the chance to interview the lead singer of one of my favourite pop punk bands, “As It Is”. Honestly, interviewing Patty Walters was a dream come true. He was so nice and I actually felt incredibly cool really important. (In typical me fashion, I framed the photo pass).

My GPA has been slowly rising, and it will rise even more after I stop taking courses that fuck me up (french, economics…). I found out that I’m pretty decent at environmental courses, and I also really enjoy learning about all the different ways we’re fucking up our earth our impact on the environment.

Now onto the bad.

This year has been difficult for me mentally. The slight perpetual sadness I always feel morphed into full on depression in mid October. I didn’t know why I was crying every night and I didn’t know why I just couldn’t think anything positive no matter how hard I tried. I had suicidal thoughts whenever I stood in a high place, and being alone in my head was the worst thing ever.

I didn’t do much at the radio station this year. School got in the way, and the radio show I wanted to start producing got pushed back from March to now. Although my ideas are much better now than they were in March, so maybe that’s the silver lining eh?

I didn’t work on any music either. The EP I wanted to make is still only up in the air.

Hopefully next year will be my year. Who knows?


I Have Depression

I have depression.

I’ve had periodical moments of sadness for a while. I don’t how severe those moments of sadness were, but I don’t think I’ve been truly happy.

In September, I learned the date of my friend’s suicide (which was 2.5 years ago), and it hurt a lot more than it should have. It scares me how easy it would be for the friends I love the most to leave me.

For over a month, I’ve been denying my depression. I put it off as “I’ve been kinda sad” “it’s just a phase, I’m okay.”

On Tuesday, I broke. I was attempting to do homework while listening to “Sick of Losing Soulmates” by Dodie Clark. I felt so weirded out by how empty I felt. It was like a raincloud was hanging over my head and I couldn’t get rid of it. I went to lecture, and halfway in, I completely broke. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I went home that night and I cried again. And every day for the past 5 days, I’ve cried. I expect it now, to just come like clockwork every night. I’ve also been eating just to make my body not hate me, because my appetite is gone. Food doesn’t make me happy anymore. 

When I’m not with friends, I don’t know how to laugh or how to be content. It doesn’t matter who makes me laugh until my sides burst or roasts me to an amused crisp, the second our conversation stops, I go back to feeling empty and alone.

I’ve realized that the emptiness I’ve been feeling has been consuming me for over a month. The cloud has been there for almost as long.

I no longer try to stand anywhere high enough for me to injure myself, because I’ll look down, and wonder what it would be like to jump. If the cars look like cats and the people look like ants, then how would I compare? Would it be nice?

I’m not suicidal. I value my life far too much to end it. I just want a break from all the shit that comes my way.

It doesn’t help that it’s Midterm season and I’m forced to push my mental health to the back of my mind. I’m worried. What if exams end and I don’t feel any happier? What if I don’t improve? What then?


BEDA Day 4 + 5: A poem for Her 

The metal wedged between the silk web above your enchanting eyes and I can’t help but gaze at it longingly wishing your head was on my shoulder as we consume tea in a little coffee shop that is as welcoming as I find the way you speak.

Your confidence is intimidating but that only makes me fall harder knowing you are not afraid to be exactly who you want to be.

I feel all of the cocoons breaking at once as you brush past me my heart tap dancing ferociously when we’re in the same room.

Your smile is a thousand watt lightbulb.

Your face is one that I want to snapshot and revisit when I’m feeling like I’m straighter than ever.

You say the wrong things but are they really the wrong things because I don’t find hesitation in your voice.

You are unattainable and I’ll have to be okay with that.


BEDA Day 3: I’m fucked up

I’m pretty fucked up.

I’ve accepted the fact, ever since my friend back in high school committed suicide three months before graduation.

I’ve become somebody who puts everyone else’s happiness before their own. Most of the time, no matter how tired and how fed up I am with helping others, I do it anyways. I’d rather have someone I care about be alive than for me to be my happiest.

I don’t want to feel the same guilt with the people I currently care about that I’ve been feeling for the last 2 and 1/2 years. I’m making up for all those times I was ignorant and unobservant of others’ emotions by being overzealous now.

Is it healthy? No. Will I keep being this way? Yea.


BEDA Day 2: Me + Crushes = Bad Idea

I’m bad at having crushes on people. Or I’m too good at having crushes on people. Either way, it never turns out well.

On one hand, I’m far too awkward to talk to a cute guy or girl whom I fancy, and on the other hand, I fall far too hard and far too deep to ever escape my feelings without moping around for a couple months afterwards.

Since I’ve been old enough to recognize what the butterflies in my stomach are (about 12 years old), I’ve fell HARD for 3 people, and kinda liked 5 others. I know that people aren’t required to like you back, it’s their life and they can fancy whomever they want. To fault the other people for not liking you back is ridiculous. If they friendzone you (yes it exists), then be happy that they still want you in their lives.

But, this isn’t to say that being rejected doesn’t HURT LIKE SOMEONE CUT UP YOUR HEART WITH A BUTTER KNIFE. 

As of two months ago, I’ve been crushing on this girl at work, and I’m 95% sure she will never like me back, and I’m also 100% sure I will be thinking of her cute face for a couple months after work ends. I fell hard, (like butterflies when we’re in the same room hard), and you can see why this is bad, but do I stop crushing? Nope, because I’ve accepted this fate.