I Have Depression

I have depression.

I’ve had periodical moments of sadness for a while. I don’t how severe those moments of sadness were, but I don’t think I’ve been truly happy.

In September, I learned the date of my friend’s suicide (which was 2.5 years ago), and it hurt a lot more than it should have. It scares me how easy it would be for the friends I love the most to leave me.

For over a month, I’ve been denying my depression. I put it off as “I’ve been kinda sad” “it’s just a phase, I’m okay.”

On Tuesday, I broke. I was attempting to do homework while listening to “Sick of Losing Soulmates” by Dodie Clark. I felt so weirded out by how empty I felt. It was like a raincloud was hanging over my head and I couldn’t get rid of it. I went to lecture, and halfway in, I completely broke. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I went home that night and I cried again. And every day for the past 5 days, I’ve cried. I expect it now, to just come like clockwork every night. I’ve also been eating just to make my body not hate me, because my appetite is gone. Food doesn’t make me happy anymore. 

When I’m not with friends, I don’t know how to laugh or how to be content. It doesn’t matter who makes me laugh until my sides burst or roasts me to an amused crisp, the second our conversation stops, I go back to feeling empty and alone.

I’ve realized that the emptiness I’ve been feeling has been consuming me for over a month. The cloud has been there for almost as long.

I no longer try to stand anywhere high enough for me to injure myself, because I’ll look down, and wonder what it would be like to jump. If the cars look like cats and the people look like ants, then how would I compare? Would it be nice?

I’m not suicidal. I value my life far too much to end it. I just want a break from all the shit that comes my way.

It doesn’t help that it’s Midterm season and I’m forced to push my mental health to the back of my mind. I’m worried. What if exams end and I don’t feel any happier? What if I don’t improve? What then?

-EVA