(late night procrastinating on studying post)

I was watching a short film by Bertie Gilbert and Sammy Paul called “Blue Sushi”. It’s the most accurate portrayal of a transman I’ve watched. It’s fucking brilliant. It really is. Search it up on YouTube. Watch it. Love it.

This film will go down in my history as one of the most important films I’ve ever watched because it helped me figure out my gender identity. One of my best friends helped too.

Thing is, I’ve never felt like a girl, like a woman, or like a female in general. My parents used to call me out for acting too much like a boy at times, and I was always like “whatever, I’m not hurting anyone, I’ll act how I want”. Because my parents never forced me to dress a certain way, I’ve ended up developing an androgynous style (lots of button downs. I own 5 or 6. I wear everything with button downs). My personality is quite un-female too (if a personality can even be gendered).

Female beauty trends and fashion trends never appealed to me. I love makeup, don’t get me wrong, but I never bothered with the contouring, highlighting, strobing, or even the colour correcting trend. Makeup shouldn’t hide my natural features just for me to put them back on more harshly with makeup.

But anyways, all of this has helped me figure out that I’m GENDERQUEER. Or genderfluid or gender nonconforming. To me, they all describe my gender equally well.

However, I still go by she/her. Because I hate the pressure for genderqueer people to use they/them. I feel like it’s horribly impersonal, so I won’t be using it.

This new realization makes me happier with myself than I’ve ever been.




The other day, my mom told me of a female college student from Boston, MA who committed suicide because she was recently raped by a person from the same university.

This bit of information hit me extremely hard because suicide is not something you talk lightly about. And also because I’ve experienced firsthand what the suicide of a friend does to you emotionally and psychologically. It fucks you up. Badly. It fills you with guilt, because you’re beating yourself up over why you didn’t try harder to save them when it wasn’t even your fault in the first place.

I wonder if the rapist thought about the possibility of his victim ending her life when he did it. I wonder if he even thought of his victim as a human being capable of self destruction when he did it. I wonder if he even remembered that he was possibly ruining a young girl’s life when he did it.

“13% of rape victims attempt suicide” – Women Vote PA

If you think about this statistic, 13% is a lot of people. That’s 1 in every 7.5 people. Count all the friends you know that are rape survivors, and if you know 7-8 people, then 1 of them might end their lives. More importantly, if you’re a person who isn’t against rape/would rape someone, reflect on the above stat, and imagine if your sister/brother/best friend/girlfriend/boyfriend was the 1 out of 7.5, would you still have the same mindset?

I also wonder. I wonder if the rapist is someone who wants a power trip so bad that he/she is willing to damage another human being beyond repair for it; or if he/she is just an asshole who doesn’t think of the consequences of his/her actions.

Is it worth it?


BEDA Day 8: The problem with YouTube

(12:27 am. whatever. I was too preoccupied with watching olympic swimming)

I love YouTube and I enjoy watching YouTubers on the daily, I really do. However, lately I’ve stopped clicking on videos made by some big name YouTubers because they’ve stopped putting effort into their content. No one needs four videos in a row of (insert name here) trying candy from different countries.

It’s perfectly acceptable and needed (because YouTubers have to make money somehow) to make a sponsored video once in a while, but when a YouTuber abuses that power, and makes many in a row, it’s akin to taking advantage of their fan support.

The same with makeup/clothing hauls, they’re fun to watch, but these kind of videos are not quality content. They show that you’ll make whatever video just for the money and the views.

This is mostly why I enjoy watching YouTubers with under 4,000,000 subscribers, because I know that they’re not too famous that they will stop putting in the effort.